


One slip of the tongue

by Hitoris



Series: One slip of the tongue [1]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Closeted Character, Coming Out, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gen, Heteronormativity, Homosexuality, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Male Homosexuality, No Sex, No Smut, Psychology, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 16:39:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9280289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitoris/pseuds/Hitoris
Summary: Sometimes it's hard to keep a secret for so long. No matter how hard you try, it can all turn to ashes in a single slip of the tongue.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Keep in mind it's my first attempt to write fiction in English, which I'm not native to. Hopefully it won't be much of a problem since I'm more or less fluent at it and use it a lot in non-fictional texts. Plus I also write fiction in my native language. Let's see how this'll work, shell we :)
> 
> Warning: if you're here after some light yaoi with little plot behind it, it's probably best to look for some other works. It's really mostly about psychology and LGBTQ-related issues and very little about BL. At least for now... 
> 
> This story is intended to be in two (mostly independent) parts. First being rather heavy on angst, while second is more on the intimate end (still angsty, though). But for now this part can be considered a stand-alone prequel just in case I won't get myself to finish the second bit. It shouldn't suffer much from having no follow-up.

"―And then he did it, can you imagine!? It was ridiculous, but cute in a way. That idiot actually did it!" Kise laughed, posing in front of yet another flock of fangirls.

"Kise-kun is so amazing!" Girls squealed in awe, making a tight circle around him. "Tell us more, please! Was that guy your good friend? Is he cute? You must've been close!"

"Oh, it's not like we―"

Suddenly he was interrupted by a not-too-light kick in the back.

"Stop wasting time, Kise! Have you already forgotten we lost that practice match with Seirin last week?! You feel like losing again? Get your ass back to the gym before I kick it 'til you can't sit, you lazy dumbass," Kasamatsu yelled at him in his usual manner, forcing some girls to take a step back with nothing but his heavy look.

"You're too rough with me, senpai," Kise pouted, trying to flick off dirt from his back while making sure his senpai, as well as fangirls, would notice how unhappy he is. All those punches and kicks he was granted on nearly daily basis, while not too painful, were still quite annoying. He got used to it and knew it was never meant to actually hurt him. But still he thought about getting a fitting revenge on senpai one day. And right now he saw a perfect opportunity for it...

Of course, girls got the message exactly as he wanted.

"Poor Kise-kun! Your senpai is so mean to you! How can you just allow this?!" staring at Kasamatsu accusingly, one girl seemed especially outraged. He only raised one eyebrow, not getting what's her problem.

"You have nothing to worry about," Ryouta smiled to that girl. "It only looks this way because you don't know Kasamatsu-senpai as well as I do."

Kasamatsu was already couple steps away, heading back to the gym. Then suddenly Kise grabbed him by the shoulder and dragged back before he had a chance to react. In a single motion Kasamatsu got faced to Kise who stood provocatively close, holding his friend's face with both hands. Kise tilted senpai's head upwards and moved it closer to his chest to make height difference as obvious as possible (was he standing on tiptoe?). He hovered over Yukio from above, looking right into his eyes. The blond attempted his best shoujo prince pose, which he practiced a lot to cater to the girls. Yes, it worked just as intended: they went squealing and blushing, nearly fainting.

"I know that behind this spiky shell senpai is a nice and kind person. Not to mention he's such a cutie," said the "prince" with his warmest smile that almost didn't look fake while staring right into his eyes. "Please, don't be angry at my dear senpai. He is my _very precious_ friend," he continued in seducing voice without breaking eye contact with Kasamatsu.

Kise Ryouta, while proud of himself, was a little surprised he actually got a chance to pull it off. Though in this split second he got a bit confused when he tried to read senpai's expression. Of course he'd expect to get punched in the face right about... now? He even prepared to dodge. Maybe he'd even get in some troubles on the next practice for this little prank. That would still be totally worth it. It wouldn't be surprising to see him angry as hell after this. Or maybe he's gonna be too stunned to react? Or, perhaps, he would even decide to play along? Sure, that wasn't any likely, but Kise would've been ready if so. Even blushing and shy senpai, while a bit surprising, wouldn't have been all that unexpected. After all, he's a _good actor_. Well, good enough for this, anyway...

But why was he so pale? Why did it seemed like he was frozen through all this time while Kise was going through his part of the play? He didn't try to resist at all. He just looked back at Kise, completely blank. Was he... scared?

―――

It lasted only few seconds, but for some reason Yukio found himself paralyzed. In an instant it felt like all blood evaporated from his body. His ears were ringing and the back of his head felt numb and chilly as if he saw a ghost or dead or something. All he could do is to stare back at Kise with his mouth slightly open thanks to his teammate's palms pushing against his cheeks.

He finally regained control by the time Kise stopped talking. At same instant Kasamatsu pushed him away with everything he had. Unfortunately, he couldn't gather as much strength as he wanted. It was only enough to shove Kise a few steps back until he barely hit the nearest wall with his back. Kasamatsu panicked, and it surely displayed on his face, clear as day. At least judging by Kise's expression, who obviously didn't expect this kind of reaction from his friend.

It was silent for a few moments. Even girls kept quiet. Kasamatsu tried to say something, but words got stuck in his throat. Instead he turned on the spot and hastily walked away. Kise was too shocked and confused to do anything. He just stayed where he was, leaning on the wall until his senpai was gone from sight.

"I... I think I overdid it a bit," Kise tried to explain it to the girls without looking at them. He kept staring in front of him for awhile longer.

"Kise-kun... Are you ok?" one of the girls finally asked.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine. Excuse me," Ryouta turned his eyes to the crowd, "I need to check on my friend," he said hastily, then charged at full speed in the direction Kasamatsu was going.

It took him only couple minutes to find Yukio in the locker-room. The team was still on practice, so there wasn't anyone else but Kasamatsu-senpai sitting on the bench in silence. He was faced away from the door, staring down on his feet.

"Senpai, you're here," he started, carefully stepping in and closing the door behind. The lights weren't on, so it left only what little light came from the small window. But maybe it was even better for now, he thought. There was no time to think about what he was going to say, but Kise knew he must explain himself somehow. "I'm... sorry. It wasn't... I mean, I just..." he scratched his head, sitting down on a second bench to keep some distance. Kasamatsu didn't say a single word. His face was hidden in shadows of this tiny poorly lit room.

"It's like... you see, those girls are really into this kind of stuff. Some light guy on guy action, 'BL' as they call it. It's not much different from us, guys, finding kissing girls hot, y'know..." he knew he started blabbering too much, but couldn't help it. The other guys kept silent, but visibly stiffened on last phrase for some reason. "I play with it sometimes just to make them smile. We were just talking about it before you came to call me back. So I thought to follow up on it and... ok, I admit. I got a bit annoyed by that last kick. Y'know, it actually hurts, so... it was just a stupid prank. I shouldn't have dragged you in like that without warning. I'm sorry. Trust me, it didn't mean anything serious..."

"I KNOW THAT!" all of a sudden Kasamatsu yelled at strained, almost breaking voice. He finally faced Kise, so he could see his friend's face bursting with anger. "I'm not THAT naive to assume you were serious, Kise. That's not the prob..."

Yukio stopped abruptly, turning even paler. All that anger faded away in an instant. Instead he was terrified. Because only now he managed to process what exactly he just said and how it must have sounded. At first moment he thought maybe... maybe he didn't notice? Maybe he wouldn't understand it this way. Maybe there still was a chance to let it slip. But a single look on Kise's face was enough to understand it is already past the point of no return. And Kasamatsu's very reaction to his own words deprived him from that slim chance. There's no taking those words back anymore. The timer is still ticking, but the game is already over. And he lost.

"Senpai..." still shocked, Kise kept staring at him in disbelief, instinctively trying to reach him with a hand. But in split second Kasamatsu was already near the opposite wall.

"N-no..." he shook his head. His teeth started to chatter, lower jaw shaking as if he had fever. "Don't... It's too late. Just... go. Please," Yukio asked in strangled voice, no longer daring to look him in the eyes. He turned to the wall, trying to clench his teeth hard enough to stop the shaking, hoping to hold on until he's left alone.

Kise already knew what was this all about. If he had enough time to think, he could've guessed it even back there at his little "performance". Maybe he even guessed it intuitively, without recognizing it, but paid that guess no attention. And now it was no longer a question that needed an answer. Even stating it aloud would be stupid. Asking any kind of confirmation would clearly only make it worse at this point.

_Sometimes a single slip of the tongue is all it takes to break one's life._

He could've ponder on how cruel the life is for a bit longer, but this wasn't really the time for it. To his own surprise, Kise reacted pretty fast. For good or for worse...

He slowly walked closer, until he could place his hands on Kasamatsu's shoulders. He stopped less than a step away, firmly holding his senpai's arms from both sides, carefully avoiding any closer contact.

"It's ok... I won't tell anyone. I promise," he almost whispered, lowering slightly towards senpai's ear. It was the most serious and sincere voice Kise was capable of. Enough to even make himself believe in what he was saying.

Kasamatsu stiffened even more, trying to break free from his grasp. But for some reason he couldn't find enough strength to move even a single muscle. He already felt tears filling his eyes until he couldn't see anything but a blur.

"It doesn't matter," he said so hoarsely it came out as a breaking whisper. "YOU already know it. You can stop pretending you're not disgusted, it's fine. I've never expected you wouldn't be. You're terrible actor."

"That's right," Kise replied instantly, as calm as he could in this situation, though his voice also got shaky, "I... still have some work to do on my acting skills. That's why... if you've just seen me right now, you would know... you wouldn't doubt my words, Kasamatsu-senpai."

Something in the way it was said made Yukio a tiny bit less reluctant to turn. Just enough for him to try to wipe his face with a top of his T-shirt.

"Please, senpai, just look at me. It's really ok if..." Ryouta tried to continue, but there was no need to. Kasamatsu turned abruptly and pushed him against the same wall with one hand, while staying as far as his arm's length allowed. Even though it was only a hit with an open palm around his chest, it was done with enough force for Kise to notice it quite a bit. But he allowed it without resistance. Kasamatsu said nothing, only looking at him inquiring with a mix of anger and despair in his eyes, already red from tears.

"I'm not disgusted... It is really ok. Please believe me, senpai," Kise tried his best to be convincing (after all, it was true), realizing he was about to cry himself now. The blond always thought he looks ugly when seriously crying, which is why usually he would try to hold those tears back. But right now he couldn't, nor he cared enough to try. "I just didn't expect it, that's all. I wasn't thinking. It's my fault. I don't know if you could ever forgive me for what I did, but―"

"―Just shut up already, you dumbass," Yukio wasn't looking at Kise anymore, lowering his head down slightly and shutting his eyes tight. But tears still kept flowing, he couldn't do anything about it no matter how hard he tried. Kasamatsu kept pinning his teammate to the wall, his fingers now clenching to the shirt nearly enough to tear it apart.

Next moment he felt warm hands gently wrapping around his fist, making Yukio slowly release his grasp. "It's ok," Kise found nothing better than to repeat it again and again. There was a bench right behind them. 'Should be possible to at least make him sit down,' thought Kise. He pushed forward slowly until Kasamatsu could feel the edge of the bench at his legs. "Come on," he guided him down, while still only holding senpai's hand by the wrist. At first he wanted to just hug him, but stopped at last moment. It would've been too much right now and would only make him close off, as Kise felt intuitively.

Ryouta released his hands and carefully walked around the bench to sit right next to him, but faced the opposite direction. For a few seconds they were just sitting side to side, barely making contact. Then slowly Kise wrapped his left arm around his senpai's right shoulder from the front and placed right hand on the back of his head from behind, gently tilting it closer. Carefully he shifted himself a little bit closer until their left ears nearly nearly met. Then he lightly placed his head over Yukio's left shoulder. It wasn't quite the hug, but for this moment somehow it felt right.

Kasamatsu tightly grabbed Kise's arm, which was in front of his chest, with his right hand. He couldn't gather enough willpower to pull it away. Though he still tried to support his own weight with left arm to avoid leaning too much on Kise. This was already too embarrassing as is.

They stayed like this for awhile. Neither one could break the silence, but somehow it was no longer that heavy silence from before. It seemed like both of them managed to calm down at least enough to stop crying. At some point Kasamatsu released his hand, soon followed by Kise releasing his grasp as well. Though it didn't made him move an inch away. His head was still gently placed on Kasamatsu's shoulder and left hand resting above his elbow.

Finally Kise found enough courage to speak. He had a good reason to, even though he was still in doubts whether it's a good idea to ask about it right now. But for whatever reason it felt like there might be no second chance to bring this subject up.

"Senpai..." he started carefully, waiting for his reaction. Kasamatsu responded with a hoarse, barely audible "hm?" to confirm he's listening.

"Is it ok if I ask you something? Something personal..." Kise was hesitant, but he had to ask it anyway.

"Go ahead... it's not like this can get any worse," he replied in a bit clearer voice after a short pause.

That last line didn't help at all, making Kise hesitate even more. But there was no going back.

"Was it... I mean, your... Is it about me personally? Are you―"

"No," Kasamatsu stated it sharply the moment he understood where this blabbering was going. "Not everything in this world is about you, Kise. Don't worry, you're not even my type," for some reason Yukio chuckled at the last phrase, surprising himself. He expected this question to be about something even more embarrassing, but this... at least he could understand why would he ask it. Slightly relaxed, Yukio finally lowered his own head on Kise's shoulder.

"Oh, really?" Kise smiled in response, and intonation of that question gave it away even though they were still facing away from each other.

"Yes, really," for a brief moment he nearly laughed.

"No way! I'm a model! You have no taste!" Kise played along.

The heavy atmosphere of last few minutes faded away nearly instantly. It felt almost like casual talk of two friends, with mutual teasing and such. Even though it was obvious for both of them that this easiness wouldn't last for long. But at least it was enough to make them face each other again.

With a sigh, Kasamatsu bent backwards slightly. Just enough to look at Kise with a sad, tired smile, but a smile nonetheless.

"You must be thinking I'm some kind of pervert who joined basketball team only to stalk sweaty half-naked guys," he tried to keep the smile, but it didn't work, as he looked away instead.

"No, I actually haven't thought about it. But now that you mention..." Kise made a doomed-to-fail attempt at saving the lightness of this talk... to expected result. "Sorry. No, I really don't think so, senpai."

"Anyway, you don't have to worry. I'll just leave the team tomorrow, so it won't be an issue," he replied in deadly serious tone. It made Kise stunned for a moment.

"What? No, senpai!" he recoiled backwards, terrified by that though. "There's no need for that! Why would you even think about it? You love basketball! You're our captain! Please... It's not like you to make this kind of decisions on emotions! I'm sure you won't feel this way tomorrow..."

"It's not like this," he interrupted Kise's rant, still frighteningly serious and calm. "I made this decision long ago. I was always going to leave if somehow this goes out. Gay captain of a basketball team ― what a joke that would be..."

"But senpai! You're not listening!" Now it was Ryouta's turn to panic. He breathed sharply, trying to think of something to fix it. "I'm telling you, no one else would know. If you doubt I can keep your secret, I'll―"

"―No, Kise, I don't doubt you. I already believe you would't spread the rumor, else I wouldn't have been here now. It's... for different reasons. It's not your fault. It's mine," he hesitated for a second, thinking how to explain it without going in too many embarrassing details. "I don't think I'll be able to play good enough, knowing that you know it. That _anyone_ knows it. You see, Kise, maybe you're not a good actor... But I'm much worse at lying than you are. The only way I could pretend for this long is by knowing there is no reason to suspect it. Of our guys, I'll probably be the last one to be suspected. Heck, you'd be first on that list," he tried to smile. "It worked only because I had that confidence. And now it's the opposite. I'm _confident_ you know who I am," he sharply looked up in Kise's eyes.

"How on Earth do you think I'll be able to focus on the game?! Everything I'll be thinking about is to not accidentally look in a wrong way, or to not touch someone in a wrong way. Or I'll be too busy watching you, making sure you wouldn't do something stupid without knowing it. Because you don't have to intentionally tell someone to spill it. Even I can spill it this way. Because it's impossible to verify not just every my move, but everything you do as well. There's so much that can go wrong when it was just about me. And now it's twice as much... no, even more than twice. Sometimes just one sight is all it takes. Or any stupid, random, completely unrelated thing you or I can do to to ruin this whole thing in an instant. I know it because I've been there before, back in middle school. I don't want to endanger the team just because I can't deal with my own problems. I will never forgive myself if we lose important game because I was too busy being a coward," words flooded out Kasamatsu's mouth as if he's been preparing this speech for half of his life. He really didn't. It just piled up on itself somehow.

Kise was listening silently, trying to not break in tears again. He wanted to keep saying it's not a reason enough to leave, but in all honesty he couldn't say that. Those concerns made sense... too much sense, actually. Sure, he could've swore he'll never tell it on purpose. But accidentally? Yes, that happened before... too many times to just shake it off as impossible. To not let it out by a wrong word or poor joke or maybe even careless glance that someone could read too much in... He couldn't guarantee it won't ever be the case, no matter how much he'd try.

"Then... why not just come out?" he thought to change subject to something more optimistic instead. "I'm sure guys would underst―"

"―No," senpai interrupted with the coldest tone Kise ever heard from him. "That's not an option," Kasamatsu looked at him again, and it was hard to grasp how desperate his gaze was at first. Almost as if he was talking about the matter of life and death.

"Why?.." Kise asked, bewildered. He knew he was pushing it, but there was no way he could accept it like this.

Kasamatsu looked away again. He seemed shy, which was probably the first time though all of this mess.

"You won't understand it, and I hate the idea to explain it... but since you know it all already, I guess it makes little difference if you get to know some more," Kasamatsu suddenly stood up, breaking any last contact they had.

"It's about my father. I can't say much, but... if somehow the word gets out... I think... I won't have anything left in this life. I'm not sure if that life... would be still worth living..."

"I see..." Kise was too shocked to say anything coherent. He was about to stand up to try to comfort his friend, but it was too late. Without turning, Kasamatsu gestured with his hand, asking Kise to not come any closer.

"Practice will be over soon. I can't go there right now, so please tell them I... got sick or something, whatever."

"But wait, senpai! You can't just―"

"―I'm not leaving the team right now, you idiot," he snapped back almost normally, though his voice was still hoarse. "I just need to think. Please don't follow me. I... promise to give it some time before I do anything," he finally turned his head to look at Kise, who was still at the bench. Yukio said nothing, but for a moment it seemed like he was about to say 'thanks'. Instead he tried to push out another tired smile, then turned back and kept walking towards the door. He raised his hand briefly as a goodbye.

Kise stayed at the locker-room, clenching hands on his knees, as he had no idea what should he do now. He never felt so helpless in his life.

―――

Next day Kasamatsu came to school normally, to Kise's surprise. He only nodded when they met at the launch break and Kise tried to greet him. But Yukio said nothing and walked away. It was obvious he tried to avoid the talk. When it was finally basketball practice time, there was no postponing it any longer. Kise tried his best to catch a right moment when senpai would be alone. But for some reason there were always other 3rd years nearby. So he had to improvise...

"Senpa-a-ai!" he charged in with a wide smile when Kasamatsu was walking towards the gym with couple other guys. At first he thought to casually hang to his shoulder as he often did, but then decided to take it easy and keep the distance. His indecision looked quite awkward. "Got a minute?"

"What'd ya want, Kise? Don't tell me you think about skipping practice _again_ ," he snapped more or less like he'd always do. This even surprised Kise a little. Didn't this guy mentioned he's supposed to be a bad actor? But he wasn't about to lose this acting fight to a newbie.

"I would never do such a thing, Kasamatsu-senpai! You think too poorly of me. I just need to... pass you... something I promised earlier," he tried to look casually, but, judging by senpai's grim look, he was overdoing it already.

"Ok, fine, you two go on, I'll catch up in a minute," he sent off his teammates while gesturing Kise to follow with a heavy sigh. They walked in silence for a bit, stopping near the tree on the far end of school's territory.

"Alright, I'll say it just once, and let's agree to never bring this subject up again, ok?" said Kasamatsu, and Kise nodded in agreement.

"I decided to give it a shot until the next official game. Which should be in three weeks from now. If by then somehow it... works... then we just forget about this and move on. If not, then I'll leave the team and, if needed, move to another school for the rest of the year."

Hearing that made Kise stiffen a bit, but he tried to not give it away and just kept listening.

"Until then we have some time to... adapt. For you to knowing it, and for me to knowing that you know it. Just please... try to act normally. I know it's not easy for you with this poor acting, but this... thing... you did when you approached me today... I'm sure even you can do better than that, dumbass," he tried to frown seriously, but smiled lightly.

Kise felt relieved a good deal after hearing that.

"Yes, senpai. You're right. I can do better. _Now_ I can do much better for sure," he smiled and placed his hand on senpai's shoulder approvingly, "We both can, no doubt about it."

And somehow it, indeed, worked out. Maybe not right away, though. First few days were rather awkward. Enough to make some guys to ask if something happened, was there a fight or something. But, to Kasamatsu's surprise, no one really cared enough. Most didn't care at all. They just weren't paying any attention. Over a few days it all returned to just about normal. At some point he finally found himself no longer thinking about controlling his every move the time. Turns out the difference between keeping a secret that no one knows and trusting it to just one person was huge... but bearable. It wasn't as overwhelming as he thought it would be. It wasn't the end of the world... at least not yet. Once again he could feel safe enough to focus on the game. To keep on living.


End file.
